SEC Predictions…If They Were WCW Wrestlers

wcw copy

Forgive me if FOTP has been a bit on the light side this week.  You’d figure that with the season mere hours away at this point we would have come full force with something beyond exposing the seedy underbelly of Memphis Athletics Marketing and analyzing the viability of the hair on Tim Brando’s head.  That clearly hasn’t been the case.  I blame it partially on the fact that there isn’t much to write about at this point.  Its all been discussed and rediscussed across the board.  I just didn’t have alot of additional insight into the season…theres that, and then theres the fact that “The Rise and Fall of WCW” came out on DVD last week and I’ve been reliving all the glory that was the mid 90’s Monday Night Wars over and over again.  And since the only two things that are fresh on the brain at this point are things like that Steve Spurrier has won 9 consecutive season openers and that Ole Anderson was possibly the worst booker in the history of professional wrestling, I’ve got to go with what I know.  So FOTP and my commitment to always say my prayers and eat my vitamins brings to you, your off the top rope finisher of an SEC Preview…if they were WCW wrestlers.

SEC East

hogannwoI can totally see Meyer spray painting Kiffin’s back at midfield this year

Florida: Hulk Hogan.  They have to be Hogan, right?  They’re the champ.  Simple as that.  Plus, the WCW wasn’t a legitimate threat to the WWF until the Hulkster showed up.  You are the only thing making the SEC East relevant this year as the balance of power has clearly shifted West but for the Gators.  You have a leader that,  as no one disputes (not even Clay Travis), says his prayers and eats his vitamins.  I can only hope that if and when Florida drops a game mid season and Tebow goes all wrestling promo heel turn on us, that he’ll at least have the sense of the moment to have a dark beard and a black and white feather boa.  Prediction: 11-1 (7-1)

Chris_Jericho_21_11_06_36Jericho and Georgia…always a bridesmaid

Georgia: Chris Jericho.  You have superior skills, alot of talent, but for some reason can never make that push over the top to a Championship.  You have a great gimmick with the black out and all (however, may we recommend an older gentlemen in a half shirt and no teeth leading the team out onto the field) but unless you beat Florida this year and somehow steal the East, that’s all you’ll be this year.  Happy to beat up on midtiers but never able to get the big wins necessary.  That being said, both Y2J and Georgia fans wear nice pants, so theres that.  Prediction: 9-3 (5-3)

glacier

Money can buy everything but wins and dignity

Tennessee: Glacier.  The powers that be have thrown the pocketbook at the program.  They give you the best coaches money can buy, a recruiting budget to rival the GNP of most Eastern European countries…lots of bells and whistles that make you look ominous and imposing…but at the end of the day youre still just a guy in a Mortal Kombat Sub Zero costume having white confetti dropped on your head while surrounded by a cheap laser light show.  Prediction: 7-5 (3-5)

FlairSpurrier

Similar in that they both like to fall flat on their face down the stretch…the difference is, one guy does it intentionally.  We leave you to decide which one is which.

South Carolina: Ric Flair.  Aside from the fact that you both come out to some pretty smashing entrances…but you both have seen better days.  You have barely crawled above .500 in the 5 years since Spurrier arrived in Columbia.  You continue to walk that isle every Saturday, looking for that ellusive Championship but losing games you shouldn’t and the inevitable run-in by the Rock n Roll Express probably keeps you in the middle of the pack once again. Prediction: 7-5 (3-5)

eddie1Latino Heat, perpetually Music City Bowl bound

Kentucky: Eddie Guerrero.  Buried in the midcard thanks to the main event talent ahead of them, you are relegated to preform high spots at various points in the season, a quality road win here, an upset there, but can’t quite make the leap beyond the Music City Bowl or the Television Title.  The good news is that the hair style and eventual drug related demise is something Kentucky fan can associate with.  Prediction: 6-6 (2-6)

bigwiggleNot so fast Vandy

Vandy: Norman Smiley.  Look, you are a fun novelty when you win every once in a while but lets not get all ridiculous and start pushing you as any sort of contender.  You won a bowl last year and you’re are a black guy with an English accent, and both of those things are too weird to take for prolonged periods.  Back to jobber status with you.  Prediction: 3-9 (1-7)

SEC West

kevin_nash_02

Bischoff and the NCAA in their pocket at all times

Bama: Kevin Nash.  Two over- inflated egos who are entirely too well connected to ever really get into any sort of trouble and they have a dysfunctional but talented sidekick (but we’ll get to that later).   You get a major media push when its not warranted and aren’t nearly as over with people as much as you think you are.   You’ll have challenges from other potentional main eventers this year but in the end, somehow get pushed to hold the title for another year.  Predicton: 8-4 (5-3)

dustyrhodesLSU…always a bull in the woods…if you will

LSU: Dusty Rhodes.  You are always a contender.  You’ve gotten a bit out of shape in the past few years and perhaps the success has gone to your head.  Its time to regroup and make another run (perhaps with a sweet young lady at your side).  You may have a few missteps along the way but you’ll be there in the thick of it the entire way.  And we can never understand exactly what you’re saying.  Prediction 9-3 (5-3)

magnumtaNext time, Ole Miss should probably just take a cab

Ole Miss: Magnum TA.  All the talent in the world.  You look good on paper, all of the people love you, you have an amazing mustache, a run to the title looks almost inevitable at this point…until a horrific, life support inducing crash during the assent leaves you crippled and doing color with Tony Shiavone, wondering what might have been.  Prediction: 9-3 (5-3)

beefcake

He’s Buff, Hooten Dale is not the stuff

Arkansas: Buff Bagwell.  Lots of talent, you have the look of an eventual contender…but then you start talking about how much you hate Houston Nutt and that its all his fault that you are in the position you are… all while wearing an air brushed top hat.  At that point, you are just pretty much intolerable.  Prediction: 7-5 (3-5)

hall

Hey yo…Auburn…pull yourself together

Auburn: Scott Hall.  All the talent in the world completely and totally wasted in the bottom of a bottle or in the hiring of unqualified head coaches.  You are capable of brilliance and at the same turn an utter and complete failure.  You put new tights on and lose the accent and you call it the hurry up spread offense…but its still the same old tired act more than likely.  Your tag team partner  across the state keeps getting the major push and will continue to do so until you get yourself together.  Prediction: 5-7 (2-6)

daletorborg

This season will not end well for anyone

Mississippi State: The Kiss Demon.  No amount of creative lighting, smoke, and promotion from a lip-syncing Gene Simmons is going to hide the fact that your two most winable SEC games are on the road and that you are just Dale Torborg in spikey shoulder pads and face paint.  You are a bad idea all around.  Prediction: 2-10 (0-8)

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7 responses to “SEC Predictions…If They Were WCW Wrestlers

  1. I just found out that there’s a minor league wrestling circuit that comes through Waco once a month. Who’s got two thumbs and plans on Friday night?

  2. I agree with this brilliant analysis, although I can’t believe you didn’t use Sting.

  3. Standing O for this effort.

  4. The funniest post I’m not allowed to comment on. Well done, sirs.

  5. I gotta get me an effing law degree. There’s too much time in your world. Too much.

  6. @Godfrey Im suprised you even commented at all. I figured you wouldnt have touched this post with a 7 foot pole that formerly played basketball at Tennessee and commands way to much air time on any wrestling promotion he is in.

  7. Pingback: SEC Predictions…If They Were WCW Wrestlers, The Rematch « Friends of the Program

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